Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I hope you are well. I mean it. I really mean it. I am very worried about your health. Let’s face it. You’re obese. You’re morbidly obese. Your BMI must be so far off the chart we will need Rudolph’s nose to find it. Those rosy cheeks have me worried. Have you had your blood pressure taken lately? Have your arteries been X-rayed, MRI’ed or scanned? We can’t have you getting a stroke in the next few weeks. There will be a lot of very pissed off kids out there – this one included. Perhaps you could ease off on the Egg Nog just for a bit? The last thing your tailor wants to be doing is letting out your suit on Christmas Eve. Even he or she deserves a night off.

Speaking of your suit, I heard that the only reason you wear that red suit is because it is the only garment you own that fits. Is that true? Please do not lie; your stomach will grow even further! But why red? Most overweight people do not like to call attention to them. And let’s face it; the black belt is not making you look any slimmer. Nice attempt, but it didn’t work. Perhaps something in a black or dark blue suit is more appropriate? Does the North Pole have a Big and Fat clothing store? Maybe you should take a walk over there? Or a jog? No, make it a walk. Your exercise program should be gradual. Get a good pair of shoes. Oh, silly me. Give yourself a good pair of walking shoes.

And speaking of walking…….Perhaps this year you could walk from house to house every so often. It really would be good for you and I am sure the reindeer would appreciate a load off their shoulders for a little while. You really do look quite lazy riding the sleigh from house to house; especially when the houses are about 50 feet apart. You’re just adding to the awful stereotyping regarding overweight people. Let people see you’re doing something about your weight. Take some time to enjoy the holiday decorations. Increase your cardiovascular strength. Release some endorphins. A nice walk in the fresh air is just the thing to get rid of the stress of the evening. What do you think?


Now when you get to my house don’t bother looking for a treat. I am not leaving you cookies this year. You don’t need them. You’re fat enough. There will be milk however; skim milk. Drink it. I know I will probably be the only house that does not give you cookies, but I believe that one person can make a difference. I am going to be that person. I’m going to do my part to keep you alive. I want you to come back in 2007. I am also going to leave you a copy of the book and audio program, Yes, You’re Fat! I Like You Anyway. Please spend some time with these gifts in the New Year. The reviews have been great.

So here is what I want for Christmas Santa – for you to get skinny; for you to care about your health; for you to get that BMI down to a level that is safe and healthy; and for you to start to incorporate some kind of an exercise routine into your day. Just don’t go anorexic on me, okay. That is all I want. No list this year. Just surprise me with anything all the ungrateful kids don’t want.

Santa, you have no idea what you put me through every year. Do you know what I do first thing on Christmas morning? While most kids are tearing apart packages, I turn on the TV and the radio; just to make sure that somewhere in the world you are not being rescued from a chimney that was just a wee bit too small. I want to be like every other normal child out there and wake up and begin the tearing of paper. You can change this for me! Will you?

Oh well, you have my thoughts. You have my ideas. And you have my wishes. The rest is up to you.

Hi to Mrs. Claus.

Don’t forget to eat at least five servings of fruits and veggies today!